A Letter of Love from a Teenager

Once upon a time, when communication wasn't as fancy as today; cell phones were non existent and internet was precious; some teenagers used to write beautiful letters of love.  I never wrote one. I didn't even receive one. I found this one incidentally. Writer of this letter didn't want to keep it any further; and recipient didn't want to take with him. This one was written so beautifully that I kept it for years. And now I believe sharing this will not affect anybody. It is just beautiful. 

8th July

I miss you, dear, as I always do. But today is especially hard because it is flash-backing the event which happened two years ago. You remember this is the day you first came and talked to me and I am so lucky I talked to you today again. It seems the wind around me sings with and orchestra of “SILENCE” and the song is that of our life together. I can almost feel you beside as I write down this letter and I can almost smell your presence that always reminds me our closeness. But at this moment nothing gives me pleasure. Your visits have been coming less often (I am not at all blaming you) but I feel sometimes as if the greatest part of who I am is slowly slipping away.

I am trying though. At night when I am alone I call for you and whenever my ache seems to greatest, you still seem to find a way to return to me. Last night in dreams I saw you sitting on the last bench waiting with your deep eyes to join me. The wind blowed your fragrance through my hair and I could see your eyes in the fading sunlight. I am struck as I see you outside my window you look fabulous, I think as I see you a vision that I could never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk toward you , and when you finally turn to me I notice that others have been watching you as well. “Do you know him?” they as me in jealous whisper, and as you smile at me, i simply answer with a truth, “Better than my own heart”.

I stop when I reach you and feel your presence you take my hand in yours. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, when you return my embrace, i give myself over to this moment, at peace once again. I raise my eyes to get a everlasting glance of yours. i hear you saying, “i am here to love you, protect you. I am here to hear your needs and to receive your love in return. i am here because there is no other place to be”.

But then as always, the mist starts to form as we stand close to one another. It is distant fog that rises from the horizon, and I find that I grow fearful as it approaches. It slowly creeps in enveloping the world around us, fencing us in as if to prevent escape. Like a rolling cloud it blankets everything, closing until there is nothing left but the two of us.

I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes wet up with tears because I know it is the time for you to go. The look you give me at that moment haunts me. i feel your sadness and my loneliness and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you release me. And then you step back into the fog because it is your place and not mine. I long to got with you but your only response is to shake your head because we both know that it is impossible.

I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. i find myself straining to remember everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone again. I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry.

Without you around me, I feel an emptiness in my soul. i find myself searching the crowd for your face- I know it is an impossibility, but never ending quest that seems doomed to fail. You and I had talked about what would happen if we were forced apart by circumstance, but I can not keep the promise I made that I cannot control my tears. I always hear your last words echoing in my ears, “****** *******, ato bhalo basa bhalo na”. I am sorry but there is nothing to replace you. You and *** were the only thing apart of my parent’s wish I always wanted and now that you both are gone, i have no desire to have any more friends. it pains.

12th July

Few days have passed since I have written but it has seemed to pass much more slowly life passes by now like a scenery outside a car window. I breathe and eat and sleep as I always did, but there seems to be no great purpose in my life that requires active participation on my part. I simply drift along like the messages I write to you. I don’t know where my destiny takes me when I shall reach and how shall I accept all that.

Even studies does not take the pain away. I may be studying for my own pleasure but when i return to my leisure it seems vacant and ponderous without you. I remember you getting annoyed on me now and then and looking at me as if to tease me. As I write this not to you, I wonder when or if things like that will ever stop.

In a world that I seldom understand, there are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury the hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be ignored or denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore. You are the wind that I did not anticipate the wind that had gusted more strongly than I ever imagined possible. you are my destiny the same again. I wanted you back, more than I imagined possible, yet whenever I conjured you up. I kept hearing your words in our last conversation. No matter how much I love you, I know it wasn't going to be possible unless we- both of us- were sure we would devote ourselves fully to the path that lay ahead. I continued to be troubled by these thoughts until last night the answer came to me.

Ironically I am in a position struggling with a ghost of someone i loved and fear to lose. Sometimes this grief is overwhelming and even though I understand that we may not see each others as we did in due course of time there is a part of me which to hold on to you forever. It would be easy for me to do that because loving someone else might diminish my memories of you. Yet this a paradox. Even though I miss you greatly, its because of you i don’t dread the future. Because you were able to fall in love with me. You have give me ope, dear. You taught me that it’s possible to move forward in life no matter how terrible one’s grief. And in your own way you have made me believe that true love cannot be denied.

It’s this time that makes me realize that your are the most important thing I have in this world.

I know I am not perfect. i did many mistake in this course of our relationship which did hurt you at times. Can you forgive me?

You were right about everything rather more practical than me which was really soothing for me. i recollect you saying about ours hours and always had doubt whether you were flirting or were you serious. I don’t know about future but this is the most important thing I want to say. i have never allowed myself with others as I did with you. I can’t have such a relationship again. I am all yours.

Now though, with me gaze fixed towards the future, I see your face and hear your voice not certain that which path should I follow. It is my wish to have your again forever.

For first few days after you left. I wanted to believe that I could go on as I always had. but I couldn't. Every time I watched your songs in TV and thought of you. Every time I passed the telephone booth I yearned to call you to hear your voice. Even when I am studying I think about you and the wonderful times we had, I knew in my heart that my life would never be. Right now I don’t think I am ready but this is my choice. Because of you I am hopeful there will come a day where my sadness is replaced by something beautiful. Because of you I have strength to go on.

This is not a good bye dear this is a thank you. Thank you for coming onto my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me, and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. but thank you for showing a beautiful world after losing all my friends.